A couple of years ago, I bought a set of windshield wipers for my car. Somewhere in the middle of wrestling with the wrong adapter, I started wondering why I had decided this was a job for me instead of an auto-parts store.

So, I jokingly posted about it on Facebook, asking why do I ever think buying windshield wipers anywhere other than a place that installs them is a good idea?

The next day, I figured it out, or at least I thought I had. I posted about it again, this time a proud little victory lap, along with a meme about carrying yourself with the confidence of a girl holding a massive owl.

That confidence lasted about two months, until one day I hit the windshield washer button while I was driving. One of those wipers flew clean off the car. I watched it land in the street and disappear in my rearview mirror.

I laughed, because what else could I do?

But that wiper lying in the road was also a pretty accurate picture of something I had been doing most of my life. I would struggle longer, work harder, and teach myself whatever I needed to know. Asking someone else for help usually did not even cross my mind.

I called it independence. I am beginning to understand that some of it was protection.

The automatic response

I know what mine sounds like. Something needs fixing, moving, or figuring out, and before I have even weighed my options, I have already said it. I've got it. I'm good. No need to bother anyone.

It is not a decision. It is a reflex, the same way your foot lifts off the gas before your brain fully registers the brake lights ahead.

If your reflex sounds anything like mine, you probably wear it well. You are the one people call in a crisis. You are capable, dependable, and used to figuring things out. Those things are true, and they have served you well.

But a reflex is not the same as a choice.

And when "I'll handle it" comes so naturally, it is worth asking whether you are choosing independence in that moment or following a pattern that was built long ago.

The origin

Mine started early. I was the older sibling, and the only girl, which in my house meant I slipped into a caretaking role before I was old enough to recognize it. My dad ran his businesses and was gone a lot, so I handled things around the house. I made sure my brother and I were up, ready, and out the door for school.

By the time I graduated high school, I was living alone and keeping an eye on another one of my dad's businesses in a different town. I had already learned how to do a lot, tools included, because when something needed to be handled, it usually fell to me.

Later, in my marriages, I needed emotional support that often was not there. Sometimes it was never offered. Other times it was promised, then failed to show up when it mattered most.

Eventually, I stopped asking. It was not a dramatic choice. I had simply learned that handling things myself was more reliable than hoping someone would come through.

The protection

Here's the part that took me a long time to see. My independence is not only about what I'm capable of. Some of it is a wall I built so I would never have to feel that particular kind of letdown again.

If I never ask, no one can say no. If I never need anything, no one can fail to give it to me. There is a certain logic to it. It is also exhausting, and lonelier than I like to admit.

I am not saying any of this to hand you a diagnosis or convince you that your independence is a problem, because it is not. I am only asking you to consider whether every "I've got it" is a choice, or whether some of them are an old reflex doing its job a little too well.

The shift

The goal is not to become someone who needs everyone for everything. Your capability is real, and it has carried you through a lot.

The shift is smaller than that. It begins with catching the reflex before it finishes the sentence. When "I'll handle it" rises automatically, pause long enough to notice whether you truly want to do it alone, or whether doing it yourself feels safer than risking disappointment.

From there, practice receiving in ways that feel manageable. Ask someone to help with one task. Let a trusted person show up without taking over. Allow yourself to receive without turning it into weakness, debt, or loss of control.

Confidence is knowing you can handle things yourself. Freedom is knowing you do not always have to.

You do not have to give up your independence. You only have to stop letting it make every decision for you.

And if a windshield wiper ends up lying in the road every now and then, consider it a reminder that doing everything yourself is not always the victory it first appears to be.

In The Driver's Seat Podcast Every week I show up on my podcast the same way I show up here, with real stories, honest conversation, and the kind of talk that makes you think about your life differently. Come find me wherever you get your podcasts. PODCAST LINKS